My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
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[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.