My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
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*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”
But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Look, a pure bread cat!
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is hkH6U3pvL2PbqtEf
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.