My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
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you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Hmm 🧐
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.