My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
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Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
[two years ago]
me: planet with the rings?
google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia
[now]
me: does italy exist
google: nope.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
him: you any good at throwing axes
me: just call me lizzie borden
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Friend: If you give it some deep thought—
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?