My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
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Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
“We will wed,” I threatened
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here