Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day

[first day as a lawyer]

CLIENT: you’re fired

ME: was it my opening rap or the –

CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes

I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.

My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine

Jfc

I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”

Let’s settle this like adults.

Rock, paper, scissors.

“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”

– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!

– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.

My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:

Survive in harsh conditions.

She’s never even been been camping.

i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁

me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new

My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.

If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something

one week till the election

Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*

Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o

The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.

Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway

Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.

I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!

HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u

My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff

My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing

[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much

[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see

Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:

“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”

I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊

I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…

[both kids wake up sneezing]

…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.

If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.

I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?

You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.

Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.