My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
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78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
🖕🏻👽
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Sing it!
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:
“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”
Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
If you want to make God laugh, inhale some helium then tell Him your plans.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.