Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.

I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!

Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.

God, or no god, those are good Brownies.

Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.

My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.

Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.

[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.

oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun

I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.

Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.

Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.

It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.

Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry

Hubs:

Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’

Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”

love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog

I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.

I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great

Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.

Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.

Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce

3: I know what’s keeping me awake

Me: What?

3: The air

Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix

Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?

Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?

Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*

My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats

The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”

I whispered back, “bring pizza”

I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude

in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.

roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew

You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.