Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.

Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!

Harry: *y’er

[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no

Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely

Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?

kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank

me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.

*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?

Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.

doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live

My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.

There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.

Whats O07s kink?

Bond-age.

5: how many numbers do you love me?

Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much

5: aw I love you 24

My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.

003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?

– 4 Non Bonds

I’d love this before and after shot…lol

Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment

Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)

Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.

Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood

one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on

Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?

Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.

Is it because I’m brown??

Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks

Larry (a garden gnome):

Me: oh my god you’re so handsome

Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.

A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?

Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again

MyFitnessPal:

“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”

ONE METRIC TON!!

Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.