Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.

Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.

What jugglers do best

1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle

waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that

me: yes

According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.

Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?

My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals

Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.

Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.

My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”

Ooooh. That’ll show me.

Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?

Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.

Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.

Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*

When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”

ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David

oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun

I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.

WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother

Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,

I found my bagpipes for tonight.

No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.

Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?

Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.

Me Got it.

Dad: Where’s mom?

Me: Visiting Super Dad.

My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth

why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures

I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today

It should cost money to watch me bend over to pick something up off the floor

Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.

Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.

*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:

My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.