My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”
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My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free
sales in 2024:
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally