Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.

evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.

So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.

doctor: this may hurt

me: june doesn’t look much better

Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?

I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.

Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.

whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing

[stepping out of time machine]

me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe

giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect

Seriously.

Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!

“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”

I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.

I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.

Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.

Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?

Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.

AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u

pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian

My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them

I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!

I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET

America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.

Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess

[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”

CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.

Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.

My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up

me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?

Today I went to the bank and asked if they had an atm. The guy said they had a drive thru. I said oh I walked here. He said that’s fine. I had to wait in line behind a car like this 🧍🏻‍♀️

If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?

America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War

All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.

Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.

A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?

Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.