My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”
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I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
No one:
My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
If only
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations
my wife: do u want to hold him
me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious
doctor: put me down
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor