Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.

The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.

Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.

Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”

if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance

“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”

*Checks soles of both my shoes*

“….left, ladies.”

My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.

you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice

the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders

if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”

life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs

My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.

BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now

WIFE: I’m leaving you

ME: oh no what happened?

WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore

ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this

WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-

ME: it must not have saved!

WIFE:

ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?

[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open

me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.

government: let’s reopen stuff.

public: ummmm…

guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…

Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!

I have a PhD in minding my own business. I’m an uninterestedologist.

My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.

8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.

What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.

still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls

*at a restaurant, eating burgers*

Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”

Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”

Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*

Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?

Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?

Them: The tables have turned
Me: HOW CAN YOU TELL, THEY ARE CIRCLES

Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?

~ Me as a therapist

When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.