Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.

My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!

A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .

E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.

[space station]

me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty

her: seriously?

me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that

Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.

Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this

They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.

[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.

The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.

Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.

Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.

Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.

I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.

“I got this”

-hypochondriac reading Web MD

I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.

At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017

Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.

Me: *wakes up*

My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy

My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.

*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace

I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.

Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.

You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!

You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.

Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.

Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.

Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.

You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.