@Tobi_Is_Fab

My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”

Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.

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@DepressedDarth

All I want for Christmas is a stormtrooper who doesn’t miss the target every time he shoots.

@Parker_Simpson

I must be getting old…my urine flow sounds like a drippy leak in an old abandoned factory

@MelvinofYork

I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.

@TheRealNickKay

WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday

@meghaffer

My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.

@junejuly12

If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.

@mydanimarie

Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.