My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”

Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.

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All I want for Christmas is a stormtrooper who doesn’t miss the target every time he shoots.


I must be getting old…my urine flow sounds like a drippy leak in an old abandoned factory


I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.


WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday


My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.


If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.


Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.