My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
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The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
I identify as an antique shop.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Ah..makes sense now
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse