My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
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You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.