My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
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Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!