@bentev28

My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”

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@Big_Cat74

[things I worry about on vacation]

1) Getting eaten by a shark

2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny

@2tickytacky

“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.

@tchrquotes

My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI

@Popehat

If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming

@AristotlesNZ

Nothing solves all of life’s biggest problems like a well-timed, awkward & overly complicated kick to the face. -The Karate Kid.

@AndrewNadeau0

HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.

@davidgrossTV

When I tell you I butt-dialed you, I’m not saying it was an accident, I just want you to be impressed.

@osigat

? Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ?

Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.

@DannyZuker

Because they need to bring young people to the church, insiders say the front runner for Pope is Seth MacFarlane.