Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO

When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.

You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves

Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.

You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!

i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣

People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.

[at therapist]

I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible

Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?

No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.

Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?

Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.

You should be glad.

“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them

The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.

First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.

Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.

I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.

My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.

*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.

My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.

Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”

How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?

[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers

People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing

Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches

The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects

Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark

ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?

JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective

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I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting

I know this now

“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo