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If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Never share a secret with a clock.
Because Time will tell.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Selfie
I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.