Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.

ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.

It’s actually Dr. whatever

And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?

COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ

I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.

3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.

It’s 5050.

Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.

She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?

*Watching Friday the 13th VII*

GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?

Me: Yeah.

GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.

me: he walking like a cold duck
other friend: with his freezin duck ass
another friend: cold duck much??
friend who always ruins the riffing with something serious: guys what side are your appendix on?

If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.

Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.

Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.

A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.

[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.

Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!

*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*

*orders some*

I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.

Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face

Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo

Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.

My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING

I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.

You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug

[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has

[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans

Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.

I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.

Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.

Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!

Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any

Me: Yes! Because it’s mine

Wife: Because of the alc

Me: Because of the alcohol