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Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Just how popey was the pope today?
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.