Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving

There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late

Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?

Son: …

Me: It’s also a famous explorer.

Son: Dora?

Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.

I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”

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HEYYYY MACARENA

My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs

This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.

WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?

ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!

ah yes….my favourite videogame

Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex

Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas

My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.

Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks

Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks

Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am

i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times

today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties

sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.

oh you hate me? name all of my flaws

I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.

My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.

My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.

The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar

“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”

(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)

[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth

Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.

My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”

How much for the best friend?

Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.

Me: OMG I love this song

Radio: should I play it again

Me: okay

Radio: fifteen times

Me: wait

Radio: every hour

Me: no

Radio: for the next six months

Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.