Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..

Is that they’re miniature versions of you

Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?

Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?

[returning from Damascus]

St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”

Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“

St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”

St Ohn: “It’s true”

what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie

My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.

Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.

Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.

Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.

We’re not going to try to do anything about it.

And that’s how small problems become large problems.

4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare

me: me too. what was yours?

4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?

me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep

4: you know nightmares aren’t real?

me: yeah, I do

Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!

*fakes headache to get out of work*

*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*

Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.

a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)

Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”

Me: “Yes I did.”

Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”

Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.

And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise

ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no

[gets anchor tattoo removed]

Oh dear

[slowly floats towards the sun]

If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.

You can start billing people for psychic readings.

she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”

uh you pretty much described my fantasy

“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil

“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented

One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day

Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.

Netflix and awkward silence?

I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.

I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.

My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.