Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.

saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower

Me: How was my snoring last night?

Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT

“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”

Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping

Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.

My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.

Customer: We are never coming back!

Me: Promise?

I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.

Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.

checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase

#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas

me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye

convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.

Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”

thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow

My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself

4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*

I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.

learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…

Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.

Cat: *meow*

How far is it from the Earth to the sun?

10 CVS receipts.

Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.

*all of the ghosts boo in unison*

These work great until they don’t.

Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?

*donates body to science*

Science: “I have a boyfriend”

Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?

Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.

A guy just commented on how classy I am

So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”

Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.

New Guy: No problem. And do we-?

Me: Thats it! You’re fired!

“What are your dogs’ names?”

Me: “Calvin and Klein.”

“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”

Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”

This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-

Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore