Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🤣😂🤣😂

Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed

I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.

I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew

when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy

Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.

genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months

me: i thought i got three wishes right now

genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year

if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks

I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.

I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.

My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.

I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing

Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.

[restaurant]

WAITER: are you ready to order

DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew

WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it

DAD:

WAITER:

DAD: i’ll have the chicken

Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?

Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*

Me: yes.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously

HER: yes

ME: yeah right

In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too

“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”

– inventor of the Band-Aid

It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.

COP: I need to see some ID

ME: [hands him ID]

COP: this isn’t yours

ME: you said “some”

COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go

Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”

Life with a cat in one tweet

I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.

no..
one…

cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston

[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*

Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.

“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.