Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…

[Interview]

“Why’d you leave ur last job?”

My boss felt threatened by me

[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]

My wife told me she “likes it rough.”

So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.

-how guys understand women

My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!

Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son

My son: say your line mummy!

Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE

*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*

don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay

“I have to poop”

~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do

I punched my monitor

Now my hand Hz.

Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games

(On a date)

Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.

Me: haha yeah that was a good call…

*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*

Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.

The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.

Me: What word?

The child: Funking.

Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.

If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.

I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.

Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.

Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny

Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁

him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery

me: gotcha

[later]

me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*

god: rabbits

angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing

god: ya they do that

angel: they’re multiplying

god: they’ll slow down

angel: they aren’t slowing down

god: holy shit

angel: they won’t stOP FU

[ next day ]

god: porcupines

[ DURING SEX ]

Me: Who’s a bad hand!?

I am religious. I religiously avoid church.

If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.

“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside

Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X

Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.

Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.

8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.

Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.

One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.