My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
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Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.