Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering

Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead

Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?

Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”

*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*

*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it

People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.

I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.

She turned around and found out I was walking her home.

I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files

Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?

GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller

future wife: how many alarms did you set

me: don’t worry about it

wife: how many

me: twenty seven

wife: set three more

them: With great power comes great responsibility

me: *shuts off electricity*

Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”

The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.

Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?

7-year-old: Can we leave the house?

Me: We could go for a walk.

7: And then what?

Me: Come back to the house.

7: I’ll just stay here.

[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)

In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead

We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.

ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows

You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.

Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.

I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.

GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!

Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.

She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.

uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is

a fool and his money are hey new iphone

Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.

Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:

Other dads: