My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
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911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Asking the real questions!
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
*gets down on one knee*
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again