My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
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[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.
What happened to the other hiker??!
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
“I’m helping” 😅
My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti