My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
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Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married