My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
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According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Worth the read.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.