Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house

“I’m an actress”

I watched your web series, and I disagree.

me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough

him: sorry, but—

m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?

h: *sighs, pours*

m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please

h: now may I go back to giving communion?

Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.

(When someone insults something you like.)

“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”

(When someone insults something you hate.)

“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”

“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”

Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom

I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details

I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab

and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”

Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars

Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.

Me: Clive? What’s he done?

Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-

Me: What is going on?

Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.

[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share

My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein

People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins

“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?

Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.

“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”

why are you making this about you?

*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*

[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]

khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub

Tinder: Meet people within a few miles

Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles

I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.

😭😭

Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.

We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.

I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.

According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.

Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL

Bartender: I’m cutting you off

Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any

Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.

200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass