My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
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5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.