My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
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Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.
“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Rock stars’ children have very strange names.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me