My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
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Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
☠️ ☠️
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Health and fitness is really important to me
Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS