My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
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[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Saturday
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*