My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
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Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
tattoos are a great convo starter. So as an introvert I kinda regret getting them
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
The Punning Dead.
I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.