My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
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*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?