Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.

I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.

One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.

Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.

Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.

Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing

Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.

coworker: you’re 37? you look younger

me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth

coworker: ha ha *leaves*

demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you

me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut

demon: ooo get a maple bar

my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?

Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.

[first day of quidditch practice]

Remember kids, witches get snitches.

Not wearing deodorant because I put lotion on my hands and couldn’t get the cap off

the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders

I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.

Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.

My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.

this will hang in the louvre one day

How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?

My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.

Reasons to not go camping No.154:

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…

harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.

Hot Girl: Hey, u single?

Me: I am.

HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?

The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.

When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?

Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.

By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies