My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
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My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
For when Tinder doesn’t work