My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
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“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Sooo many times…..
a New Yorker reject, for you
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.