Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”

ㅤ

If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.

Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy

Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?

If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.

An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.

Them: your pets are spoiled

Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide

“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”

Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy

Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?

Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.

My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..

Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?

“How cute. You have smile lines”

Me: those are from clenching my jaw

Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even

I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.

Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power

Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.

I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?

I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation

guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that

My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk

Me: what about

Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itself

Cons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.

I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.

If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.

God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously

BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern

Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.

Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*