My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
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Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
I’m going to start the new year with some spring cleaning. It won’t take long because I don’t own many springs.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.