Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.

Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance

USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?

me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead

My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw

The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.

If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.

A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.

My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.

May you never lose your sense of wonder.

I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.

I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.

I should’ve just stayed in the car.

Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.

TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese

ME: Treese

HER: I hate you

“Where do babies comes from?”

Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.

All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”

me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god

“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.

SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?

“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”

ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.

Her: I’d really love some flowers.

Him: Orchids?

Her: No, just flowers.

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.

I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.

Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath

make up your mind

This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.

— Dogs

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.

“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”

-an obituary