My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
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Is Mercury still in the microwave?
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery