Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*

While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.

If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

i really liked this one

Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.

I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.

[ first date ]

me: i’d like to see you again

chameleon: oh sorry

me: there you are

The United Steaks of America

At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.

NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*

You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.

shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years

ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?

ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.

Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.

Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.

I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.

Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*

Give a man a fish, he eats today.

Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.

My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.

It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.

Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.

[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now

I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?

I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.

I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.

Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!

I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.

merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king

arthur: oh, this sword?

merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?

arthur: table

merlin: what?

arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle