My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
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Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Bringing home a sharpie
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”