My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
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*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
There needs to be at least ONE more Nightmare on Elm Street film so that Freddy can invade a comic book nerd’s dream, dress up as Deadpool, and refer to himself as “Fredpool.”
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Most Common Source of Electricity
me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one
clerk: do you have a baby
me: would you accept cash instead
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
wishing you and yours all the best
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
United Steaks of America
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees