My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
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Getting married soon just need a spouse
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’
ME: is he always this quiet
WIDOW: *sobs harder*
Perfect
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.