Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit

Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!

Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!

[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..

That’s when you push him in.

Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.

What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?

As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.

What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…

Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous

*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?

DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all

DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad

If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.

cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit

I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.

“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.

My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.

Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”

Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.

Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.

It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.

I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.

Holy shit. What a moment.

Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth

15, driving: [runs stop sign]

me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there

15: but no one was coming

me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION

I’m not built for teenagers driving.

I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets

Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.

guilty

Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.

Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?