My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
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Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
why am I working on Labor Day
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
You were the one.
