My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
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Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*