Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.

Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently

[at the office]

Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.

Me: When did it arrive?

Secretary: 1983.

Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.

“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”

haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?

I’m not stressed

Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly

Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.

You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?

Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit

It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.

The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕

IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY

If wrestling is “fake” then explain this

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!

Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.

At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future

Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.

I put my pants on like everyone else.

with hope they still fit.

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.

Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.

Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong

Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!

EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.

deleting my mental health to focus on social media

I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited

5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.

Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?

say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera

Love this joke:

Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!

Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.