Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!

[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries

unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit

You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.

*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…

Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?

Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.

Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”

If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?

“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”

-if animals made nature shows

Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?

I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.

Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.

I only look at Wordle for the articles

People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.

I found your tweet-up…

Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up

I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.

She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.

my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015

I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.

Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…

So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.

me: will i go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.

[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame

My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order

If You Take a Mom to Target:

If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.

Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.

👇

Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.

Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling

Obama: 😳

Biden: Glow in the dark paint

I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.

Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.