Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: *leaves to run an errand*

Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*

Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her

WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume

I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?

Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.

Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.

“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son

My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.

me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did

guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?

Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one

Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*

Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*

Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000

Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024

Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!

*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*

*orders some*

A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.

I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.

My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.

“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”

“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”

I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.

I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again

I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.

If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.

There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.

I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)

Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.