My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
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[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Cat is stressing him out.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.