My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
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Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.