Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets

Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.

My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”

*Opens twitter*

*Sees Polio is trending*

*Closes twitter*

Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.

I like long walks away from everyone

sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild

My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage

Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.

Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me

me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope

executioner: how are you talking

[job interview for psychic]

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME: Well played.

Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies

If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..

Him: How does my football throw look to you?

Me: Like you’re good at science…

[inserting row in excel]

Excel: copy font format from the row above?

Me: no I’ll handle it

Excel: and copy border from below?

Me: no why?

Excel: idk :/

Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?

Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂

If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.

King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.

[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account

CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint

Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered

Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.

Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.

For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does

If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”

HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?

ME: my wife hears everything

HUSBAND 911: do I?

ME: what?

HUSBAND 911: what?

USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?

me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead

The only problem I have with chocolate is that one minute it’s there and the next it’s not.

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖

🐷

🐽