At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
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Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Google Pay be like:
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.