My 4-year-old was FaceTiming my mom, and took off with my phone. Later I opened the pantry and saw my mom still on FaceTime waiting to be found. My 4-year-old left my mom in the pantry. Grandparents are golden.

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My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.


Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done


Kudos to the cashier who astutely noted that “someone has a cat” while scanning the cat food I was purchasing.


In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.


In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.


Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?


Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.


I’ve decided to retire on Monday & live off my savings.

Don’t know what I will do on Tuesday though?


Movie Theater: *lights go down*

Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*