My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
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All I’m saying is you know it’s been a successful Thanksgiving when your clothes no longer fit.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
marvel comics have peaked
[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
My sister in law texted the family chain this morning “prime rib” completely out of the blue and not a single person has responded.
damn he’s good
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
u spoke cat all this time??????
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*