My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
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construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
They did not miss in the small print
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.
“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”
“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”
“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”
“and how does that make you feel?”
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
HR said no more nunchucks.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.