Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.

ME: where’s Jim

GUY: your guess is as good as mi—

ME: the moon

GUY: ok no

DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”

Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.

[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?

we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still

*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*

Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.

Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!

*general murder sounds*

I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.

Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.

It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.

7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?

Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet

If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold

After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet

Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse

My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.

Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.

*correctly programs VCR*

This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper

Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet

According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas

Not all heroes wear capes…

Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.

I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.

I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.

2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over

TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?

OTHER TWIN: yes

TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute

Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.

Toothpaste: Hi

Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.

haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in

Don’t snitch tag.