Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee

A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.

“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.

Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts

Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne

Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand

Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away

6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?

Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–

6: –Oh, were you there?!

Me:

Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low

Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.

This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police

[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles

I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.

Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.

I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you

Date: What are you thinking about?

Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich

I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me

if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown

Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me

ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!

KIDS: we do!

M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up

throat sock season is upon us.

I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.

Chicken bread

i want the dreams to chase me for once

my dad would read teen books as they were becoming popular so if we asked to read them he knew if they were appropriate, which means that he read the entire twilight saga before i did and was like, “i mean you can read it if you want but it’s really weird.”

[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.

[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened

“Son, you suck.”

-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics

Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.

My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity

Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.

Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.