My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
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My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
some cats are just doing for fun!
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
so weird how every mom was born today
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.