Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.

Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.

*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!

Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!

~Me. Speed dating.

Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.

I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people

Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*

Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.

My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.

This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.

2022 be like

Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.

Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]

In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?

Ideas for getting more exercise:

– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.

This is not a coincidence.

I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.

I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.

My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job

Ugh but profoundly

If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.

IT:have you deleted your cookies?

Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left

IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?

Who wants to be my Valentine?

Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem

World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.

If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”

started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds

I think I might be ready to start dating again?

Husband:

I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.

i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve

Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?

Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.