My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
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FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
me: it’s bedtime.
my 10yo: did you ever notice that zebra begins with the last letter of the alphabet and ends with the first letter of the alphabet?
This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.