My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
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Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
You might just have to resign…
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.