My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
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Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”