Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
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Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
What the dentist sees
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.