Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.

I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.

Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.

i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER

i want the dreams to chase me for once

My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.

the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of

I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.

Her: You have very beautiful hair.

Me: Oh, you flirt!

*Hands me her card*

Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…

What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.

I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.

Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….

She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.

My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now

Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.

waitress: are there any allergies at this table?

me, already drunk: POLLEN

Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!

Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT

Me *drooling

It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.

Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?

Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.

[after sex]

Her: wow that was loud

Tin man: I’m a bit rusty

3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?

Me: Heaven.

3: I don’t want to go there.

Me: Why not?

3: It’s full of dead people.

Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.

Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror

Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh

Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit

It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes

Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine

Me today: 2pm time for bed

A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”

ME: hmm…tastes like chicken

MORTICIAN: get out