Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we squint at the sun because it’s bright

we squint at people because they are not…

No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.

Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.

[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]

Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive

Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.

According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.

GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt

ANGEL: all the time?

GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside

ANGEL: why?

GOD: you keep saying that word

Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run

“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.

My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”

“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.

My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?

accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off

Family: You never call anymore.

Me: I’m calling now?

Fam: Now’s not a good time.

Me: When should I call?

Fam: Anytime.

Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so

Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?

Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.

My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.

This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.

Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…

Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners

Kid: I don’t like cheese

Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?

dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’

Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.

Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.

[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now

You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.

5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?

Me: To look pretty.

5: But she’s already pretty.

Me: Aww.

5: Dad, you should wear makeup.

customer: your darkest roast please

barista: it looks like helen keller tried to cut your hair with a knife and fork

“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.

you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar

mom: you’re grounded

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[20 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.