My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
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Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
I wish this was real life…
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands