My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
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“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me